Early Morning Calls

Early Morning Calls

My eyes peep open slowly-taking in the tiny slither of moonlight slicing through the blinds- damn! I need to get that blade fixed so this doesn't keep happening every darn day.

But, no: I welcome it.

The sky is dark and the moon is glowing. It’s time-

My morning inspiration and spirit have begun- boiling up- albeit slowly; I can feel a rising within my belly-like a hot steam- I mean a hot spring (oops that's To Kill A Mockingbird).

I toss the cocoon of enveloped sheets, velvety blankets and my silken pillow case (supposed to help these fine lines) over to Jon’s side- along with the tiny heart thump that is our Teddy pup.

As I steady myself onto my feet, I immediately assess the levels of body stiffness, strength, and energy,

And I scoot towards the bedroom door: to open to the world of more sleepyhead dogs, babies, and household scatters. Ouch Barbie paraphernalia between the toes.

I scoop down and brush my hand around our new luxurious soft carpet- a too expensive house upgrade tempting me to stay in the coziness of it all- I blindlessly find my gear that will allow me to embrace the cold morning elements. I slowly turn the knob and shut the sleep back into the bedroom - hoping my hard working, passionate team can get a few more hours rest before the day's agendas.

I use every opportunity to warm this 40 year old body up as I deliberately descend the stairs (does this count as a pre run mobility exercise?) Yah no. I used to be able to get around these little things like warm ups and activations and so on but now they have become big things.

The small luxury of cheating time for a few extra minutes of sleep is over- and that’s ok. I accept this new way of living. I embrace it as much as I can. I need this skill of patience and thoroughness- before and after training- if I want to survive in this sport I hold so dear.

Having patience and preciseness during a race has become automatic for me now, but my mind likes me to move and move hard - so I have to put in extra effort to convince myself that these new way of doing things really does matter. Well, because they do.I remember that absolutely no effort(even a deliberate descent of the stairs for ankle mobility…lol) is wasted when you are training before the day even begins.

And my day HAS begun because this is my favorite part:

The nerves in my belly and the chatter in my mind: What will I feel like today? Will I struggle to finish my workout? Will I ease through like a racehorse honing her crown? What will my motivation be? How long is my day today? Am I excited or am I tired? All the overwhelming questions that I learn to shut off so I can just do.

I don’t want to entertain that crowd of “What ifs'' or That’s not how most people do? Or the slew of lies our minds will tell us to take us back to the safe route. The route where no one will judge and no one will get hurt. As soon as I open up that door, anything can happen. I embrace that.

I turn on the coffee pot, shove some banana down my gullet, and drink my water.

I begin to lace my shoes as I take a mental inventory of all the bags I will need to swoop up as I exit the premises for the day- not to return until dinner: Did I remember underwear this time? Hmm well I guess we will find out later.ha!

For a split second I feel guilt- fear- resentment creep up- I wish I could come home after my run and wake my girls up to smiles and kisses, make their lunches with them while we tease each other, feed them a healthy breakfast, and tell them to have a great day and oh, that I love them so much. Kinda like a Folgers commercial in my mind!!!

But Mostly, I constantly want to remind them, that no matter what the world presents to them today: love, judgment, anger, kindness, achievement, reinforcements, friendship, gossip, hate, oh yah, love some more- that I am with them always and will be here to hear all about it when they get home. And, I can’t wait for summer break:

Wow, I digress!

I grab my workout back, my work clothes and shower bag, my teaching bag, my water bottle, and decide I am about to injure myself descending the garage stairs in the dark- so I put the bottle down and come back for it.

I refuse to open the garage until I am committing to the departure.

No way I am letting any monsters lurking in the yard sneak into this sleepy house while I am gone. I quickly press the green button to open the garage door and reverse at a dramatically accelerated speed to get outta there and shut that garage door immediately - seal up my people while I go out and do my favorite thing on a creepy trail.

As I drive, thoughts fill the empty spaces in my mind.

A little fear creeps in and I use this as an opportunity to gain mental strength. I flex my mental muscle and remember who I am and what my goals are - I shut out all the stories in my head that say this is pointless and a little absurd, that I am not good enough to try again to improve, that I should be home waiting for my children to wake up, that I need to save my energy for all the responsibilities and people I willingly and lovingly serve on a daily basis.

See, it can get real in this brain of mind very quickly - so I shut it down, I remember who I am. I remember my goal - silly or not, it drives me to get out of bed in the morning with spirit, love, and HOPE.

That word: HOPE. It’s my very favorite word.

Because, in everything I strive for- there will be challenges, bumps, and targets that I may fall short of. People will tell me I am not doing it “right” or I should do it this way or that way or hey, I shouldn't do this thing at all.

With strength in knowing who I am, I can shut the chatter out- I am only one small speck in this universe. And I will be damned if I give my power, truth, and love to any poison real or assumed. I digress again! But hey, I feel a little better after that childish vent. ha!

But, I can choose to get back up and even crawl if I have to and find another way towards what is real and hopeful to me.

And this is what I live for: Tending to my fire, slowly churning, sometimes striving, failing when it all gets too much, licking my wounds, touching my scars, reflecting, learning, becoming a new all the time.

Because life is ever changing-evolving beings and we can't stop it, but we can embrace each season with hope and love. Hope for whatever it is that awakens your spirit without defense.

I will keep the promise to myself to be true- even amongst my own chatter, doubt, and fear.

It’s not going to always look like a beautiful filtered picture, story, video, or post- maybe sometimes! But that's not real- we know that. It’s entertainment. The process is real. It’s going to be true. Honest. And filter free. Come along on this ride with me.

What is calling you?